I haven’t posted in a long time! I don’t even really know where to start? I’m all mixed up, confused and unsure about everything. The last two years have been wrapped with my usual anxiety and tied neatly with a big bow of emotional fuck you if that even makes sense?
My family have always been close, but lately divorce and estrangement have created what feels like a big rift in the family. My brother left two years ago to return to where we grew up with an I love you and promises of keeping in touch that weren’t kept. It was hard! I cried for weeks, after all I thought we’d become so close and now I was losing him again. Then this year my sister left, with my nephews in tow and the same promises and what’s starting to feel like the same end result. Again, I cried for weeks and still cry sometimes when I think about my nephews.
As a kid I fought so hard to fit in, going to school after school and moving from place to place, I never really rooted myself anywhere, which made making friends pretty hard. I’ve always been riddled with the memories of being separated from my family (my dad came and took me away for two years) which is why separation is so hard for me I think. They have no idea what my life was like without them! At least they had each other, I had no one! I spent many nights crying and pretending to walk through the streets so I wouldn’t forget. I would picture each one of their faces and trace them in my mind. I was forced to write letters and make phone calls telling them I was happy and to leave me alone, when in reality I was anything but! Those two years with my father were hell and changed me! I don’t think I was the same girl when I came home. I was still an annoying little shit don’t get me wrong, but something was different! Fear! I had the gift of fear! Fucking brilliant right?!
What I don’t understand about myself is knowing the cock that my father was when I was little… why did I still want a relationship? Maybe I felt I needed to prove something? Prove that I was worth his love? Instead at the ripe old age of 20-ish, when an opportunity for us to have a relationship presented itself, he slammed the door in my face and left me feeling not good enough once again. So, I had… No… I HAVE lots of trust and rejection issues! Not to mention worries that people will leave me, cut me out of their lives, etc… God I sound like a fucking woe is me person and that’s so not where I’m going with this! Fuck I don’t even know where I’m going with this? I guess I’m just trying to clear all the shit from my head.
Sometimes life just sucks people! Plain and simple! And we have to find a way to… suck it up… and just fucking deal with… well… life! It’s not always going to be pretty and sometimes people wont like what you have to say, but fuck it! It sucks to feel as though you have to tip toe around people’s feelings only to be left with a fucking hurricane of emotions to deal with yourself.
I miss my brother, I miss my sister and my nephews and quite frankly I don’t like being apart from them and I don’t have to like it! I want to be there for them when they find out about the divorce and I wanted our children to grow up together. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry or there wasn’t some resentment there. I’m entitled to feel however I wanna feel about it! Will I get over it? Probably! Right now it’s a fresh wound and it hurts! It hurts that she’d rather share her life with friends and strangers than with me!
Fucked up right? I know!